Must now check all of this deviant’s artwork… so lovely!
I’m not asking much. Just a token, really, a trifle. What I want from you is … your voice.
(Source: , via disneygoesevil)
Sure. Why not? Yolo.
Check it out, yo!
And stranded on the beach because she just more or less sold her soul to the Devil (or an octopus bitch) and is jonesing for this dude, Eric, who happens to be a Prince. Oh, and she was a mermaid. Until about thirty seconds ago. Did I mention she’s naked now?
Put on some clothes, gurrlll!
This next scene is actually probably my favorite scene in the movie, and I’m going to set all my snarkiness aside to talk about it. Here, the gang has just washed up on the sea: Ariel, Flounder, and Sebastian. And that stupid seagull has popped in to be more obnoxious. Anywho, in this scene, Sebastian immediately starts planning how to remedy the situation, all though Ariel is silently BEGGING him not to tell her father. Sebastian won’t relent, though, and continues to plot and plan and… realizes that Ariel is genuinely unhappy with her life under the sea, and putting her back down there would only make her more miserable for the rest of her life.
I love this moment, because it acknowledges that maybe Ariel isn’t just a spoiled brat, but is legitimately unhappy with her life and NEEDS this change. And if hard headed Sebastian is realizing this… we can really accept that maybe this is exactly what she needs… even if it is a little dangerous.
And Ariel looks damn fine. Even if she’s naked. Sorry, I couldn’t be serious that long…
The moment is interrupted when Max and Eric enter the beach and discover Ariel! Luckily, Scuttle has dressed her up a little and she’s not in her total nakedness… she still looks like a damn hot mess, though…
This is where my red flag about Eric goes up loud and clear. So okay, if I saw a naked, hot mess on the beach, who wasn’t able to speak, I would think twice about the situation. Automatically, Eric recognizes Ariel. And when Ariel acknowledges that they’ve met before, he thinks that she’s the chick who rescued him. But then Ariel can’t talk. At all. Not like she just lost her voice and is a little raspy and whisper-y but the chick can’t talk at all. And is stranded, barely dressed on the beach. No big deal. I’ll invite this possible crazy to stay in the castle! Yolo.
But obviously since Naked Beach Chick can’t talk, she can’t be Awesome Rescue Chick because Awesome Rescue Chick could sing. Even though Naked Beach Chick looks EXACTLY like Awesome Rescue Chick. There’s no way. They can’t be. Awesome Rescue Chick clearly had a voice. Duh. They can’t be the same.
COME ON, ERIC. YOU IDIOT.
But that doesn’t stop Eric from wanting to bang Naked Beach Chick. I mean, hey, she’s naked and on the beach… She’s got to be easy. Plus, give her a fork and she just goes crazy. Totally getting laid.
It looks like this True Love’s Kiss thing is going to be a little more difficult than expected for Ariel. Maybe a fun trip into the kingdom where Eric and Ariel traipse around and get to know each other, even though she’s completely mute and possibly a little bit crazy (we all saw that driving the carriage scene… eep…)
While the Kingdom tour was fun, and helped getting the wheels turing a smidge, it looks like the only thing that’s going to help out these two lovebirds get their kiss on is a song. Duh. An Academy Award nominated song, none the less!
And I mean, let’s be honest, if all of nature started serenading me while I was on a romantic boat cruise with a hottie who I have mad sexual tension with, my panties would be droppin’ like it’s nobody’s business. Except for the fact that Eric, even in the most romantic of scenes, is still a douche.
Asshole. Way to go, hero…
Well, Ariel’s in a little bit of a desperate situation, so even Eric’s back handed compliments won’t deter her from her quest. She’s going to get that kiss if it’s the last thing does… And it just might possibly be.
You’d be surprised, Eric being an asshole isn’t what prevents the kiss from happening. It’s actually our slimy henchmen, Flotsam and Jetsam who are cause the boat to turn over. You sneaky little things! Ursula has sent them to help her a little bit with the Kiss Blockade. Ursula is really feeling the pressure (She has even resorted to name calling! Legit, Ursula calls Ariel a tramp. In a Disney movie. This is serious), and decides to take matters into her own hands.
This is where Ursula goes wrong. The deal is super legit and binding, until she decides to upset Fate. This is where Ursula could have actually been redeemed, since she did make a legal contract with Ariel, but of course the octpus lady has to take the evil route and but her big ol’ butt into the situation with some hypnosis and trickery… Bitch.
Unlike previous villain disguises where the wicked ladies turn into less than flattering beings (The Wicked Queen to the old hag in Snow White, Maleficent to that big dragon thing in Sleeping Beauty…), Ursula turns into a regulation hottie named… Vanessa.
I’d bang her. Both of them.
Once again, Eric proves to be a nitwit, because even though Vanessa looks NOTHING like Awesome Rescue Chick and has this creepy glowing shell thing around her neck, he chucks the deuces on Ariel and decides to marry this new bitch cuz she has a pretty voice. Ok, so maybe he’s under the Sea Witch’s spell but… whatever. It’s still super shady.
Anyway, Scuttle, being useful for like the first time ever, discovers that Vanessa is really Ursula in disguise! And the gang sets out to stall the wedding and reveal the truth. Next a series of hilarious gags with birds and Scuttle occur, while Ariel swims across the sea and catches up with the boat. The most amazing part of all of this is that not only Ariel is able to scale the side of the giant ship, she also climbs out of the water completely dry. Now, THAT’S some Disney magic.
The Bird Barrage is success as they knock Vanessa’s strange glowing seashell thingy to the ground destroying it, and returning Ariel’s voice. Eric finally puts the pieces together and realizes Ariel and Awesome Rescue Chick are one in the same! Took him long enough…
Too bad, they are out of time. And the sun has set on the third day it looks like Ariel’s soul is doomed to belong to Ursula for all of time… PISS.
All isn’t lost, though. Because as Ursula drags Ariel to her watery prison, King Triton steps in. And Ursula’s plan works out just as she planned it, as King Triton trades his life for Ariel’s. Now, the shit has really hit the fan. Triton is cursed to be a gross little seaweed thingy at the bottom of the ocean, Ursula has the Triton’s trident and all the powers of the ocean at her command, Eric is a clueless douchebag, and Ariel is going to be forever alone.
Luckily, this is where Prince Eric’s heart of gold finally shines through his douche-y exterior as he swims to the bottom of the ocean and takes on Ursula himself! Too bad that awesomeness lasts for like thirty seconds before Flotsam and Jetsam capture him. Ariel is super over this shit by now and decides she’s taking this into her own hand, and goes all crazy fighting bitch, takes out her earrings, pulls Ursula’s hair, and causes Ursula to slaughter her two little pets. Bam! Good one, Ariel!
Except this sets Ursula OVER THE EDGE. And she turns into a giant behemoth octopus monster with a really deep voice who is going to literally destory everything by causing a huge hurricane. All seems to be lost, there’s no way these two could stop the Sea Witch from destroying everything. Until Eric, who actually picked up a thing or two from his days of pretending to be a sea men (teehee), drives his ship right into Ursula, impaling that bitch and in probably the most gruesome of Disney deaths destroys that bitch. All right, Eric, you’re a cutie, and you accomplished some awesome shit. I’ll give you a break for the rest of this review.
So, even with the villain vanquished, we still have the problem that Ariel is a mermaid and Eric is a human and that just won’t work… Well, it seems Triton has realized the error of his ways, and even though he is a little hard headed, he loves his daughter immensely and sees that she is in love with Eric, and would be forever unhappy in the ocean. Sacrificing the chance of having a life with his daughter for her betterment, he grants her wish and turns her human. In one of the most touching finales ever (it legit still makes me tear up), the lovers are finally united. And it seems that everything has worked out just as it should.
Ariel is happy, Triton has achieved his role of being a good father, and Eric? Well, Eric…